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It could have been worse, I suppose. When you consider the list of tasks that the other distinguished members of the League of Extraordinary Ecchi Attackers had been assigned (the descriptions alone made me more nauseous than any exotic tropical disease could ever dream of doing), you could say that I was pretty lucky. Well, I didn't think so. What my assignment lacked in horror, it made up for in probable tedium. And what made it worse was the knowledge that there were probably tens - even dozens - of people around the world who would have done anything to be the one to be given an exclusive interview with Shinichi Kashiwagi, the naïve yet arrogant “hero” of undoubtedly the most pretentious and overambitious hentai game ever made, “Nocturnal Illusion”, The only H-game to feature oral sex and an excerpt from Edgar Allan Poe's “Dream Within A Dream” within the first five minutes. The first (and hopefully last) to include numerous sex scenes only identifiable by the vividly detailed broken English descriptions at the bottom of the screen. No pictures, no sounds, nothing but a small progression in the ridiculous storyline, as if Excellents (the word “misnomer” immediately springs to mind) were trying to prove to themselves that people really did play their “graphical text-based adventures” because of, not in spite of, the character development and intriguing storyline. “Nocturnal Illusion: the thinking man's H-game!”

And there he was - Shinichi Kashiwagi, sitting at one of the tables outside the café, sporting a smug, self-satisfied look on his face, as if he was the greatest thing to come out of Japan since the country began exporting petroleum, motor vehicles and electronic appliances (thank you, World Book Encyclopedia, for being more than just a shiny and deceptively verbose projectile weapon). He was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, in an attempt to be inconspicuous that was not only dismal, but completely pointless - after all, even if any of the trendy inner-city types walking past the café had played Nocturnal Illusion, how many of them would recognise the main character, especially when the only times he actually appears in the game are in occasional glimpses of his often-transparent erection? For those of you who don't like long-winded rhetorical questions, the answer is “not many.”

“The truth is, no matter what I say, people are always going to be sceptical,” said Shinichi, taking another carefully calculated sip from his cappucino. “I mean, whenever anyone stops me in the street and asks me for an autograph, the first question they ask me is “Shinichi, did you really spend six whole months in a hidden mansion somewhere in the wilderness, with almost a dozen beautiful, intriguing and sexually voracious females of varying ages to keep you company?.” And even the people who know that I'm telling the truth still don't believe that I made love to Little Red Riding Hood and the Little Mermaid. I guess that's understandable, but I know what I saw, and I know what I did, and if people don't believe me, then there's nothing I can do about it.”

If all that Shinichi really wanted was for the general public to believe his exceedingly implausible tale of survival and sexual conquest, surely selling the rights to his story for a paltry sum to obscure Japanese H-game developer Excellents was not a great idea. It brings to mind the now-infamous legend of Hiroaki Hanyu, who became a minor celebrity after going public with his considerably more believable, although less risqué, story of how he overcame depression, uncertainty, and the breakdown of his family to solve mysteries and have lots of rough and sweaty sex, only to become an international laughing stock after JAST turned the story into a text-heavy H-game, “Runaway City”, which attributed Hiroaki's astounding success with the ladies to a 6000-year-old tree god that lived in the sewers of his home town. Hiroaki was last seen sustaining severe brain damage in the wildly successful Japanese edition of Celebrity Boxing, during the third round of his bout with “Neon Genesis Evangelion” creator and self-proclaimed deity Hideaki Anno. Anno, sadly, emerged unharmed

“Of course,” Shinichi continued, “none of it would have happened if the typhoon hadn't arrived half a day early. I was up in the mountains at the time, doing a bit of soul-searching and getting in touch with nature, you know, when I heard about the typhoon on my portable radio. I decided to pack up my gear and head back home, but I suddenly found myself right in the middle of the typhoon. The last thing I remember about that day was finally losing my grip on the tree branch I'd been hanging onto for dear life for the last few minutes, and plummeting down the rocky cliff, anticipating my own demise.” He had obviously been constructing and rehearsing that sentence for the last few hours, and yet it still sounded overly melodramatic. Although I didn't think I could tolerate listening to another word, I let him continue, since I believed at the time that there was some sort of salary involved.