The director panics. I would too, if the most apathetic woman in the world came up to me and started attacking my crotch. He is rescued, however, by the pot-opening demon, who grabs Miyu, jumps, and leaves through an invisible portal situated fifteen feet off the ground; it makes you wonder what this big hulking demon needed the whoregas for in the first place. Miko shows up too late to help, My Hero explains the whole vanishing into thin air thing to her, rather than slapping her and then fucking her silly and then strangling her, which is what I would’ve done, but hey. Miko declares, “NO! You perverted creeps!” NinNin finds Miyu’s pair of used panties (which Miko wore last week, DUN DUN DUN), and they both go home so Miko can cry like a bitch.
If you’re in the middle of a dream, how do you recognize this? Here’s a hint: if you’ve got a fertility statue and it starts talking to you, you’re fucking dreaming. I’d like to offer a theory at this point: during the scene at the Mido family grave, Grandma keels over from a stroke rather than being killed by a ninja, and Miko’s been imagining all the rest of this from the inside of a sanitarium. OOH WASN’T IT LUCKY THAT THE TENTACLE MONSTER WANTED TO TASTE HER SWEET VIRGINITY RATHER THAN KILLING HER. Fuck that, a monster with any sense at all skips the rape and gets straight to the killing. Besides, Buddhist monk? Smelly panties? TALKING FERTILITY STATUE? These are the products of a deranged, sexually traumatized mind, folks.
As much as you’re expecting it to spray hot fertility statue jism all over her face, it doesn’t, unless you count glowing yellow sheets of light to be angel jizz. Grandma’s next line: “YES, YES!” and I’m not even joking this time. Grandma’s floating, halo-wearing specter informs Miko that her sister’s in the demon world (which, really, any of us could have told her for the small price of slapping her and/or a blowjob). Grandma’s solution for getting there? First, drink the semen of a virgin male (ME PLEASE THANK YOU), face north, and then: MASTURBATION, BABY. I get the feeling this is something of a common theme in the Mido family.
“Well, Miko, then you must plunge your supple fingers into your dripping hot cunt while imagining that the audience is watching you.”
“Grandma, is Santa really coming?”
“Yes, Miko, but first you must turn your womanhood toward the north pole and let your hand satisfy your desires.”
“Will I get a Nintendo this year?”
“Only if you can come more than three times. And if I get to watch.”
“Grandma, are those bad ninjas and Shikima and stuff really real? The other kindergarteners say they’re not.”
“The only way to know for sure, Miko, is to take this large ribbed dildo and shove it into your anus.”
“OW JESUS IT BURNS”
“That means they’re real, my dear.”
Christ, the girl has to be an expert by now; if female masturbation was in the Olympics, Japan would be fucking SET for the next decade. Also, I would probably start WATCHING the Olympics. Maybe even TAPING it.
Anyways, Miko decides she doesn’t want to be doing any cocksucking anytime soon (getting raped by demons is fine, but ORAL SEX? GOD NO GET THAT DICK AWAY FROM ME EWWWWWW) so Grandma offers an alternative. What neither of them know is that one of the ninja guys is secretly waiting on the balcony, listening! Does he attack Miko with his throwing stars and ninja cunning? Uhh, no, he just kind of leaves, and he doesn’t show up again for the rest of the episode. You’d think a girl in the middle of a chat with a dead relative would be an easy target for a trained assassin, but whatever.
So I know you’re asking yourself, “Who’s the terrifying enemy Miko must contend with after the monk guy?” Well, we find out in the very next scene, kids! The pot demon brings Miyu into a receiving chamber within the demon world, where we meet Miko’s subsequent opponent/lover, Kyomara. Pot demon explains that Miyu, who he thinks is Miko because OH ALL THESE FLESHBAGS LOOK THE SAME, is quite well lubricated and therefore ready for multiple-penis loving, though the dialogue isn’t nearly that clearly written - yes, they use “love juice” again. Kyomara looks like a little Godzilla with tentacles, plusan extra face grafted onto his right eye. I’m pretty sure that for some reason they thought it was a good idea to let one of the interns do the voice acting for Kyomara here, because whenever this guy speaks I could swear it’s SNL Most-Average-Person-Ever award winner Carson Daly with voice modulation. His first lines are: “Ah! The crack of a skilled woman is tasty in-DEED! Damn female! You will be taken as you never have before! Now SEE!” What she’s seeing is not explained, but from the all the passionless, apathetic whining she’s doing, I’m guessing it’s Superman 4.